Dear Lady. Ann:
I am 40 yrs old. I ended a 12 year relationship with my high school sweetheart, we had 2 daughters. He cheated on me with different women and when I found out, I forgave him over and over and he kept doing it. He even brought pills for me to have an abortion with my 2nd daughter. He said his girlfriend gave it to him to give to me. I decided to leave. It was bitter; from trying to tarnish my character, to going to court for maintenance for our girls. In the end, he abandoned them. I was devastated, wasn’t prepared to be a single mom which I already was when I reflected on our relationship.
I had a few failed relationships then I met this guy. He was handsome, had a great career and a good listener. The only thing is that he was married with two sons. We became friends. This man treated me very good, he was everything I wanted in a man; soft spoken, old fashion (opening doors, chairs etc) non drinker, non smoker just to name a few things. I respected his marriage although he did indicate that things were rocky. After a few months of talking every single day almost all day, we became a little closer and ended up in a compromising position. I stopped him and told him about how I felt and about my past relationships. We agreed that I was never going to have an abortion if I got pregnant and after a long conversation we had protected sex.
We did that for a few months and I eventually went on birth control. He was deployed for 9 months so I came off of it. Then during his deployment I was 100% faithful, then there were days that we would argue because I felt like he had met someone as he was hardly answering my calls or calling me. He blamed it on his work load, I still don’t believe him. Eventually he stopped calling and answering my calls, I was going crazy. When he came back, he refused to see me. I was hurt, frustrated and depressed so I visited him and we eventually got back together to how we used to be. Three years into the relationship I got pregnant. When I told him, he was okay with it at first, but when he realized that I was keeping the baby, he started becoming distant.
In one of our conversations he told me that he was only going to assist financially. He walked in and out of my life for 9 months. I was so depressed and frustrated. I sought help from a psychiatrist. I almost had three miscarriages. Our daughter was born on his birthday and that same year his wife divorced him (she doesn’t know about me nor our daughter up to this day). He again walked back in and out of our lives this time I had an additional burden because he was with other women. I kept dreaming about them and dreaming about snakes, that’s how I found out about some of them. I loved this man so much. Also I didn’t want my ex to see that my relationship had failed (he seemed to be happily married) that I take and take and continued taking everything that he dished out to me. I felt as though I was on a roller coaster ride for most of my life.
One day I put a Gps in his vehicle and caught him and instead of me being angry with him, he was mad at me and I also called his parents and told them about our daughter (they did not know about her). He still has not forgiven me for doing that. His excuse is he wanted to find the right time to tell them (she is 5, when would be the right time). We separated in May of 2019 and we continue having sex despite whatever until November, 2019 when I made up my mind that having sex and crying after doesn’t make sense and that he won’t change. The issue I’m having is that we are really good friends and I wanted to continue to be his friend because I want him to have a relationship with his daughter. He on the other hand would use strategies that can put us in a position to have sex sometimes and I’ve tried being celibate on several occasions and then he would come back and I would take him back and started having sex all over again.
But now I’ve learnt how to avoid having sex with him. I know that he’s not the person for me nor do I want a relationship with him but I’m still finding myself wanting him to call/ text me, or me calling/texting him nothing sexual just keeping in contact. I still discuss everything with him but he on the other hand is not as open with me because he don’t trust me because I called his parents (I think that’s he’s a narcissist). I really want to know if this is a soul tie and how can I get out of it because I’m feeling as though I’m stuck in a rut and I honestly want to get out of the mess. Should I just walk away and don’t be a friend to him. I really need some advice. I am praying and seeking God and also waiting for a Godly husband. Please help me and pray for me please!!!!