Dear Lady. Ann:
Last September after being in my friends wedding I told myself “I want that”. I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a husband and turned it into a prayer (or so I thought). It finished with me meeting my future husband before 2019 ended. By mid October 2019, I met a guy. We went on a date and 2 days later he asked me be his woman. It was whirlwind from there. We took our first trip together a month later and I also met part of his family on this trip. We told each other “I love you” for the first time. At Christmas he officially met my family. We went into the new year strong and I had even started going back to church with him. Everything was going great until covid hit…
By the start of covid in our country, my papa passed away and I took my frustrations out on him. Shortly after his uncle passes as well. I continue to let my insecurities get the best of me and I’d accuse him of cheating and would mention his ex here and there. There were many times that we broke up and made up or had the idea to end things but stayed together. Since the lockdown was lifted and we were able to move about our country things weren’t the same. His affection towards me changed, he wasn’t as romantic and had even stopped calling me beautiful, telling me he loved me (without my asking) and the list goes on. Because of this I became even more insecure in our relationship and constantly questioned him about his feelings and if he saw me in his future.
From about June things were getting worse. Sometimes the “talks” we had would lead to him ending it but we would get back together. I would constantly feel like he didn’t love or care about me because I always had to ask and he wasn’t being the guy he was when we met. There were constant talks about the relationship which I initiated where I gave him an out to exit the relationship and he always choose to stay.
Fast forward to August, there was a moment I was going to walk away and not look back and he stopped me and I stayed. Fast forward September he winds up in the hospital with gallstones. I’m there with him through it all. It is now September 25th and everything is fine until that evening when I was going out and mistakenly sent him another mans name via text (it is my cousins boyfriend) I explained I typed it fast and it was an accident. Because of his previous experiences with being cheated on I believe his defenses kicked into high gear. That weekend was the worst ever. We didn’t see each other. And on the Sunday when we did see each other we had another talk. The talked ended with a 3 day no communication break and on October 1 the relationship was over. Over over since it’s official once you change the Facebook status.
I’m devastated because I thought he was the one. He was at least 90% of the man I prayed to God for as my husband. And even his church said the woman who is for you will come into your life. Which I did. Everyone believed we were a beautiful couple and saw the genuine love we shared for each other. I don’t want to believe that God put us together by accident especially because our connection was strong from day 1. I wonder if we’d be together had I not gone out last Friday and mistakenly called him another guys name. But my mom says that maybe it all happened that way because it’s Gods will. I believe in Gods will, but I often wonder why He would let me meet the man who was so close on traits to my Ideal husband only for it to crash and burn, or as I’m asking did I mess it up on my own.
I’ve weighed the pros and cons of not being with him but it takes me back to the fact that some of the cons could be pros because he used to be very romantic and affectionate before. (Some of the cons were me having to constantly question his love and lack of romance towards me). I keep thinking about him dating another woman and she gets everything that I wanted with him, it kills me. I think in my mind at the same time if we become friends, maybe really good friends, it might rekindle our love especially since he never expressed not being in love with me anymore. I’m caught between holding out hope a friendship could rekindle the love and moving on hoping God has 3x better for me. I don’t want to be unwed like my mother was. I want to end the cycle that seems to happen with my mother and I and get married and have kids. Own a home, travel the world etc.
Please give any advice on what I’ve written, whether him and I should remain friends, and what types of things I should pray to God for regarding my true future husband. Thank you!