Dear Lady. Ann:
I just recently got out of a relationship that had lasted for almost 2.5 years. When we got together, everything was good and we were happy and whatever, but as time went on, things got bad. if I shared a personal insecurity, did or mentioned or said certain things, whatever, it would spark HUGE fights. When I got my SAT score, I mentioned that I was slightly disappointed in myself because I thought I had done better, and that turned into a whole thing about that being me calling her stupid. When I started getting into colleges, she yelled at me for talking about it and didn’t show any pride for me.
When she once made an off-hand comment about how I was “getting bigger” (which, as someone who had struggled with an eating disorder for a decent period of time, really got to me) and I showed that I was upset, it turned into me hating fat people and thinking they were gross and her, therefore, thinking that I thought she was gross. When I realized that I wanted to go to the school I’m currently at, which is 1300 miles away from where we lived, it sparked a summer full of fighting and threats and anger, and sent me in a downward spiral mental health wise. She was unwilling to support my choice, despite knowing that it’s been my dream school for a while.
Long story short, we both ended up going, now much to my chagrin. I should’ve realized all of the bad signs before and just let her go and come to college on my own. We got here and things didn’t get any better. If I needed alone time, time to do work, time with friends without her, if I was talking to friends instead of her when we were all hanging out, if I wanted to do something fun on my own, anything, it was a problem. When I said I had been feeling uncomfortable with my body and wasn’t comfortable being sexual, she got mad and we fought. I would say that I couldn’t spend a lot of money on things because I don’t have a lot, and that would be a problem. She’d give me gifts that she knew I couldn’t afford to give equivalents of, and then get angry when I didn’t. She’d offer to pay for food when I said I didn’t have the money, I’d check over and over that she was ok with doing it, she would say yes, of course, and then get mad about it later. It was always one thing after another and whenever I tried to mention that I was upset or explain my side of things, I was ignored and all of my concerns were just pushed to the side.
We broke up over spring break after yet another huge fight where all of my feelings were ignored, which was always usual and incredibly frustrating. It started with something that wasn’t even true. We said we wanted to stay friends. It’s been a little over a month, nearing two, since we broke up, and it’s honestly been a huge relief, but it also sucks because I’m still afraid of her. We aren’t even together anymore and I still feel like I always have to be walking on eggshells when we do talk. She still talks down to me and treats me like shit, even though I haven’t been doing anything. I wouldn’t say that I was anything close to perfect throughout our relationship, but I always took responsibility for my actions and apologized. She’s very rarely willing to do the same.
A couple weeks ago she made some comment about how she’s “allowed to like the color yellow now”, because the first year we went to prom and we were talking about colors to match, I briefly mentioned that I sometimes feel insecure in yellow because it can make me feel washed out, but it looks good on her. When I tried to say that, she snapped at me and just told me to stop. Last Friday was my birthday, and I hung out with her and a few friends for a little while. I was in the backseat with one of our friends, and we had been having our own conversation for a while at that point. Out of nowhere, she turns around and goes “I know you don’t care about what I have to say, but you just talked over me” to which my friend and I BOTH responded that, no, that was not the case, we had been having our own conversation, and she still snapped at me.
I don’t know what to do. it’s still happening and I hate that I can’t avoid her. We have most of the same friends, and being around her has been making me really uncomfortable. I’ve spent so much time thinking about and apologizing for the things I’ve done wrong, and it feels like she hasn’t done the same at all. She always expected so much out of me but would have a hard time doing the same in return when it was necessary. I just needed to get this out, but if anyone has advice, please feel free to share. Thank you.
#DLATribe, what’s the best way to stop this pattern?