Dear Lady. Ann:
I am a mother of five kids and I have given my life to the Lord eighteen years ago. I love the Lord dearly but sometimes I loose my faith and trust in Him and doubt some of His promises to me. When I accepted Jesus Christ as lord and personal Savior I was broken and hurt really bad from a past relationships. I was very excited at first and devoted to serving Him in spirit and in truth and the very beauty of holiness. I felt comfort, joy and love for the things of God. I was very devoted and loyal to the ministry and the work of God. Then I started feeling lonely, broken and frustrated because I was a single mom and it was hard for me dealing with the kids. It was hard financially, emotionally and even spiritually trying to balance everything together.
The first year into my walk with God I stepped out of God’s will and became pregnant while I was still in church serving and loving the lord. It was a very rough time for me because I had faced heavy persecution from the church and the world. I carried my burden and continued on with my relationship with God. After I had the baby I continued to serve in ministry. After that the cycle had repeated itself twice where I got pregnant in church again. And again I faced much more persecution and I dust myself back off repented and continued with God. But for each time I had fallen I prayed and prayed the more for God to send me the husband that he has created for me. All of my kids did not have a father present in their lives, it was just me as a single mom raising all of my kids by myself. I have dealt with a lot of hurt and brokenness from poor decisions I have made in life. It was not an easy road for me.
As the kids got older it was a lot of bickering and fighting amongst each other, my home now felt like it was wrecked. No male authority and father figure was present. I’ve worked so many long hours to make ends meet so my presence was frequently absent in the home through the work week. By the time it was weekends, I was so exhausted to do anything else. It was extremely overwhelming. Through the whole ordeal I kept my kids in prayer and in the house of God. But every now and again I would always feel like God had forsaken me. I would always question why did he allow me to carry this burden all alone while their fathers just walk scott free without any care. I now became very suicidal and didn’t see any more purpose for living. I was trying to reach out to several persons at the time but I couldn’t get anyone to understand what I was going through.
Since then my kids have grown quite a bit. My oldest daughter lives in Canada at the moment, my second oldest daughter recently came out of school but is still trying to find herself. My third oldest daughter is now struggling with identity issues, my son struggles with being angry and not wanting to live at times because his father was killed when he was at the age of three. And my last baby girl of five years is very clingy to me because her father doesn’t have a relationship in her life. All of life’s circumstances and the blows thrown at me have forced me to loose strength in the things of God, I have lost my faith in God and I have become very hopeless. It hurts so bad! I cried and prayed, prayed and cried out to God many times for the help that I needed for my kids but it was like no one was there for me. The people in church that was around me somewhat knew what I was being faced with but no one ever offered to grab the hands of my kids and I to pray for us and with us. I felt so alone.
In my brokenness I went out in search to find help for me and my kids. I stepped down as of recent from all of my assigned ministerial duties in the church and stopped going to church all together. I recently got involved with a married man. I know it’s not right and it’s very wrong but everything that I’ve been praying to God about for many years it’s like he came and filled every void. He fathers my kids as if they were his own, he takes good care of me. He took the time out to understand and counsel the kids with what they were going through. He helped me to let go of my past hurts but It hurts me so bad because he is married with a family and now I’m involved. It’s like everything happened so fast. I don’t want to continue on living this life but I also don’t want to let go because I don’t want to do this alone again. I wish I had someone who I could talk to to help me get through this where I can walk away from this relationship and be completely healed from everything that I’ve been through. I know that I will get a lot of criticism and bashing from this post but I just need help! It’s hurting me real bad and I don’t know what else to do. I can’t even pray or reach out to God because I feel so very angry and distant from Him because I felt like he forsook me. Someone please help me. I’m hurting so badly😢😢