Dear Lady. Ann:
I met this guy in 2012. We dated, had a baby. Unknowingly He was cheating at least the first 5 years even after having his child which is now 6 years old. I was so unhappy and miserable in my relationship from past infidelity and some more recent. I went through counseling just to get through some of the devastation and still tried to continue the relationship, but nevertheless, I did not want to be with this man anymore but due to financial reasons I stayed. Now I think I suffer from PTSD. I started trying to mentally and financially prepare myself for exit. Started praying for strength and resources to make a move. I was so anxious to get out that relationship. So he and I split up in Aug ‘19. I prayed that God brings me someone that I could love genuinely and wholeheartedly whether he had a dime in the bank or 10 million. A job or no job. A handyman or not, I just wanted to be able to love again and be loved.
So in Nov ‘19 I came across this guy on Facebook (which says man of God in his bio) that started flirting on all my posts telling me how beautiful I was and that he wanted to marry me. So he caught my attention. He was handsome, seem to be a family man from the pics on his page. We started talking, he had a car, a job and was living with friends but was making plans to get his own place. A couple weeks into talking he tells me he recently (5 months) got out of prison doing 8 years for burglary. So me being optimistic and believing that people can change, I continued talking to him. We got closer, shared business ideas and dreams. Seemed to share the same aspirations and goals. Both wanted to get married so guess what, he moved in with me in Jan and we got married in Feb ‘20. 3 months after meeting. I I was so in love. (At least I thought). I thought he was really ready.
Prior to us getting married in Feb’20 I found out he was seeing someone else that he’d met around the same time we met (on FB🙄). He always said it was nothing serious, he didn’t want her. He wanted me, so he married me. Things started getting complex, trust issues sat in because every time we’d argue (which he’d initiate) he’d run to this other person’s house. Stay a couple of days and come back. This went on back and forth for about a month. He even had us picking him up from each others house (he lost his car in Jan) which was blatant disrespect. He didn’t care. He was playing both of us. We split up 2 days after getting married (after declaring that we shouldn’t have gotten married) because he would disrespect me by talking or texting her in my presence so I’d call the police to have him removed from my house. Every time he left my house, he would go to her.
I don’t believe in confronting a woman, so we never had any interaction. But I did call her to tell her that we were married and she continued seeing him. We continued going back and forth until Middle of March and that’s because I paid a deposit to put him in his own apartment. He supposedly stopped talking to her. As we were trying to work on our relationship/marriage (in separate residences) I found out after our split up 2 days after getting married that he went on a rampage with different women. MORE women! Like over 15!! He was texting them, telling them all kinds of lies about who he was, meeting up with them, and who knows what else. (He was also on drugs real heavy while he was doing these things). He was anxiously and desperately being with all these women. Let him tell it, that’s how he was coping with our breakup at that time.
Anyway I stayed, even after all that! My heart just felt so sorry for him. (such an empath🤦🏽♀️). I realized I really cared about and loved this man. I don’t even know WHY I loved him though. I can say he was he good with my son, seemed to care about my other kids (which I had a 15 yo in the house as well) 2 23yo living on their own and a 19 yo in college. I’m 40 yo, He was 7 years younger than me (33) and was locked up at 25 yo. So he really hadn’t grown up. Not used to responsibilities. Careless with money. Was Frequently getting money from other women (and a man too🤦🏽♀️). Went from job to job. Even tho he was unstable he always found a job, even tho they wasn’t paying much because of his background but I saw his ambition. He was determined to be successful and I wanted to help him get there. So over the course of our relationship (6months) I spent over $5k on him helping him with EVERYTHING he needed to survive.
He was very needy because there were times he didn’t have a job. I bought him a bike a month so that he’d have transportation to get back and forth to work. Mind you we were still on and off. I seemed we loved each other too much to completely let go. Every time we split up a few weeks we always found ourselves back together. We are now split up again because I felt like I was being used and manipulated all this time. The lying, constant cheating (which starts out on social media), the constant asking for money for gas, for rent, for necessities, just everything! The disrespect (he can have a foul mouth at times). He has said some mean things to me before. I got tired and concluded that’s he really didn’t give a rats ass about me, that he was only trying to work out the relationship because of the kind of heart I have.
He seemed to really want to stay with me and stop arguing and just be happy. But we too often had our differences. I really wanted to see him do better in life and would do anything for him. All he has given me since our relationship was a pair of shoes, a couple of stuffed bears, flowers, balloons and a couple beautiful cards. That’s because I was sick🙄. I’ve always paid for everything, every where we go, food gas and all. Even added him on my insurance. I think it was the sex, he had me craving for his loving. But nevertheless, I really cared about his well being. Sometimes he seems to have mental issues, depression or some kind of bipolar or personality disorder. Very intelligent and keen, but more manipulative than anything.He looks for opportunity in every encounter and how he can benefit off of people. So my struggle is trying to completely let him go and move on with my life. I felt God put me in his life for a reason but can’t quite put my finger on it. I know for a fact at this moment he’s not good for me because he only takes and not give anything. It’s draining to say the least. However, I really love this man and feel that we are spiritually connected but are both emotionally traumatized from our past so there are deep rooted trust and insecurity issues. We haven’t spoke in about 5 days. He’s always threatening to find another good woman that will love him and not give up on him. So we both said we were done with each other. Should I continue moving on with my life, get a divorce and let it go or try to reconcile our marriage?